Real Rain...

I want to be in the Midwest. I want to experience real weather, learn to hate the snow, and never be able to do my hair during rainy season. The desert is so hot and dry, and I actually get really depressed during the summer. I just want to move. Some times I feel like these are selfish desires, and some times I feel like God put them in my heart. I used to pray all the time that Jesus would give me an opportunity to move, and I've never really seen one.

I used to be very disappointed in this unanswered prayer, because it is a heartbreaking dream for me. My insides long to be there, and every time it rains here, well, I get to pretend that I am up there. Pastor Justin preached a really great sermon on prayer once, and he still brings this concept up every so often. The bible tells us that God knows the deepest desires of our hearts, and that he will satisfy them. God wants us to pray to Him, and spend time being opening our hearts to Him. I've prayed so many prayers about my desire to live in the Midwest, but I have always left out the key element of prayer. Asking God for something we want is easy, but saying afterward "but Your will be done" is extremely hard especially for me. It's hard to think that God's will has me anywhere but there, but it might. I may never get to live where there is real rain, and it never gets hotter than 90 degrees. I can pray all I want, and God will listen and love me for my crazy dreams. In the end, His will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Lessons

Sunday in church, Pastor Brent said something that I've heard plenty, but this time it really stuck to me. We, as Christians, love the idea of being servants, until we are treated like one. Lately, I've been frustrated with being told to do things instead of asked. "Pick that up" "Oh, fix that" "Do this" I've been going nuts over it and have been so fed up with being "taken advantage of". Then on Sunday, something hit me.. It was the Bible. God calls us to be servants, he doesn't call us to only be servants if people ask politely, reward you, or do things in return. He plainly, simply calls us to serve. Whether it's at work, with family, or with JD, I need to be serving. It doesn't matter how they ask, how they will think of me, or what they will do for me in return. The only thing that matters is that I am doing what God calls us to do.

Over the week, I made my 4 year old cousin 3 promises. I promised to take her to church, take her to Rubios, and go to frozen yogurt afterward. She didn't want to go to church, however, she did want to go to Rubio's and yogurt. I said no and I was pretty bitter about it. First of all.. She's four. Second of all, I should have fulfilled my other promises, and prayed about what to do the next week. I shouldn't be using bribery to get her to come to church with me. That isn't serving her, that's manipulating her. It's amazing how twisted we can become even in trying to good for others. If we truly don't put others before ourselves, and begin to see ourselves as less important than our brothers and sisters & little ones, how can we ever truly serve one another?

So Many Questions..

So, I have had TOO MANY questions lately... They just swarm and swarm my head like wild bees on a hunt for pollen. They want answers. Most of these questions have to do with life & living as a Christian woman. The other questions are mostly directed toward myself and my future goals. Those won't be answered any time soon.
As for the other questions, well.. I need a mentor. I need a Jesus loving, married, spunky mom who wants to help a 23 year old do life. I can have one million awesome girlfriends, but they won't measure up to the value of a woman who has already been through the things I am going through. When I need advice, I usually call one of my two aunts in Minnesota. They have always given me such amazing biblical advice. The problem is that they are in Minnesota, and I am stuck in Arizona. They have their own lives, and their own stuff. Sometimes they forget to call and check up. I'm going through so many changes and decisions, and as of late, I have been feeling guilty for bothering them. I wanted to ask a lady I saw in church today, but I decided to pray about it and wait. With all of this change going on, I feel like one of the healthiest and smartest things I can do is seek a mentor. :) Let's hope I find her.

The Weight of Sin

I wish we could remember the days when sin had not infected our hearts. I wish our generation could have a taste or glimpse of what was. We do get a "will be", but how long til we get there?

I've been telling lies. Not big ones, purposefully hurtful ones, or planned ones, but ones to try and make myself look better. The start out just like the little rumor weed on Veggie Tales, small and innocent, but then the grow big and hurt people. This has been happening my whole life. It started as lies about my family, my dad, my brothers; they were meant to make it look like I had a great "all-together" wonderful family. Then people would get to know me well enough to see the real thing, and they would forgive me or run away. Since I've grown older, you would have think I would have learned that people always discover the truth. The Bible always tells us: The truth will always win out. Instead, more recently, my lies have turned to a new way to make me feel better. I use them to justify my emotional feelings or issues with others. I twist peoples words or thoughts when retelling things, and make it seem like I was innocent, the victim. This not only hurts me, but it hurts others way more. In the long run, it will rip apart your integrity, steal away your joy, put scary thoughts in your head, and hurt other people when they find out you lied.
I pray that anyone who reads this, will keep me in their prayers. There is a lot going on in my life, and instead of dealing it out with Jesus I use these lies to hide behind. As it turns out, they are a very scary place to rest. I hope over the next few weeks, I can start teaching myself not to tell lies. Even little ones. I pray that with God's help, through journaling, prayer, and reading my Bible, that He can help me make the first step, which is exposing any lies that come up. Being open and honest, and not telling any more lies. This will not be fun, or easy, the community Jesus calls for us to have in the Bible, isn't what we strive for today. People are harsh, including myself.

Birthdays and such...

I don't see the big deal anymore. I tried to.. Sedona is the usually birthday adventure, then a blueberry double cream pie, wine, and a Fred Astaire movie. Usually my florist at some point in the week, and the beloved day off of work where I do nothing but read and enjoy the cold. There is something so unsettling this year, about everything. Sedona was tiresome, JD was patient but slightly annoyed with the whole weekend, Marie Calendars sold out of my pie, and I fell asleep before we started the movie JD chose.

I had promised myself by the time I was 22 I would be out of Arizona. Minnesota was always the goal, but I wanted to be somewhere with weather, small businesses, and book clubs. I've become complacent. I love my church too much to leave. I love living in Tempe, and my job is pretty much the best thing I could have never asked for. My boss needs me, and I am comfortable there. Jd doesn't seem to want to move any time soon, and I'm not ready to put us on hold for a weather and climate change. My complacency isn't just affecting my goals; it's also affecting my money, my time, and my attitude.
My future is so undecided. Most of the people who I graduated high school with, are already getting their degrees. I'm no where near any of it, and I'm getting completely burned out. I don't write like I used to, I've lost my passion for missions, and I don't read near as much as I would like.
The funny thing is, I could easily have enough money saved, and find a new everything anywhere in less than 3 months. But I won't. Not until I can somehow get myself out of this place where comfort, stability, and fear don't rule my everyday decisions.

Not in Part, but the Whole is all You need

Jesus wiped away our sin. The crimson red stain of messes we had created has been washed away. Gone for ever, not just part of it... All of it. When God acts, His people are supposed to react. We do something in response. How do we respond to something that we can't even fully comprehend?

Ever since I've been back from El Salvador, I've been super frustrated. Angry that we have so much, and so little of us do anything to help those who have so little. Frustrated about the way I live, so selfishly. It's been weighing down on me like a ton of bricks. I feel enslaved to the trends of America. I think we are super blessed, and don't do half as much as we could to respond.

A few things have happened in the last week, that prove God knows every little thought my small mind can ponder. First and foremost; Justins talk last week. It started so simply. I was talking to my friend Logan at starbucks, and we were discussing these exact thoughts. Logan said this: "Jessica, We can't change the world. All we can do is take the gifts God gave us, and try to win over as many hearts for Him as we can. That's our purpose, is to bring people to Him." So I thought, "Ok God. That simplifies it I suppose." We drove to church, and to be honest.. I wasn't as stoked as usual to hear the sermon. It was on social action and caring for the poor and needy. My thoughts: "Ugh, really? I'm already stressed out enough, now I am going to hear more about how little I am doing. Awesome. Maybe if I am lucky Pastor Justin will hand out You Suck cards for an extra reminder on the way out." Here's what he started out with: "We can't change the world. We just can't. We can never fix what we broke in Genesis 3, nor are we expected to." Huh? He went on further to say that Jesus came and talked abot a King who reigned over perfection and will reign again over Perfection all while he helped those in need. We are called to give those in need a glimpse of this while we satisfy their need. Not just telling them about Jesus, but helping them in the midst. We have an opportunity to help people daily. We choose not to. I choose to live for myself.

After all of this, I was just kind of in shock. I hadn't ever really been hit with direct answers to questions I had been mulling over before. A few days later I got a text from Jason Forward telling me about a concert at SW bible. I had nothing better to do.. So I showed up. Low and behold, the lyrics to every song sung hit hard spots on my heart, and broke it. One of the lines I've been humming all week is : You loved me enough, to let me walk away.. You loved me enough, enough to stay. The next part was a new song of his but it went something like: Let's show them love, love as red as your blood. After the concert, I got in my car, and cried awhile. As I was dialing MacKenzies number, I hear a song by JJ Heller that went like this: "All I need to be complete is your love, Your blood that covers me. Goodness and Mercy are following me, You are all I need. You make a home for me, where pastures are green as far as I see you are all I need." The tears were flooding me out of the car at this point.

Back to my first thought about Jesus wiping away ever last spot of filth marked on our souls. We need to respond. I need to respond by giving Him my all. By giving Him my Whole self instead of part of it. I need to be reminding myself daily of what He's done, and what I am called to do because of that. As much as I despise topical preaching, CCV has a good theme going about 1 month to live. We could be stripped of this earth at any point. Maybe we should start living our lives fully, living for the one who created us, and as rob bell says charging into the depths of hell and bringing a piece of heaven with us.

Luke 9:23-27
23Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. 24For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. 25What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self? 26If anyone is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels. 27I tell you the truth, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the kingdom of God."

I don't want to fit you in my pocket...

I've been addicted to JJ Heller lately. She's done quite well at quelling the many voices in my poor little head. One of her songs is titled small. She describes how we tend to put God in a box, and how she doesn't want to supress His glory.

I think that is my main struggle right now. I can't seem to let God out of His box. I tend to make Him small in comparison to the little things I think are so important. In El Salvador, God showed me that attempting to fit Him into a small box, hurts myself more than it hurts Him.

I came across people who have more faith in God in one day than I have had in Him my whole life. I don't feel as though I truely have taken my salvation seriously. I mean, I honestly believe that Jesus was the Son of God, and that He died for my sin, but I haven't lived out my faith. I haven't actively asked God what He wants of me and done it. I feel like I choose daily to ignore Him. The children I met at the orphanage have gone through more than most of us will experiance in a life time. They've been abused, witnessed murder, went days/weeks with out food, were abandoned and yet they choose to be joyful. God has pulled me out of so many of my own messes. Things that I got myself into. Things I never had the humility to even ask for help with. Yet He didn't give me a choice, He rescued me everytime and would make it impossible for my heart to be destroyed. I've even fought Him in the process of this. Who am I to not give my entire life to Him for that reason alone? Those are my mistakes, my choices. These kids, who didn't have a choice, they are faithful.

Mathias and Chris were right when they called me wishywashy. They were right when they said that I wasn't sure of what I wanted, that I was weak and easy prey. Kudos for calling me out on it. It's true. I'm undefined. I jump into things quickly, get over my head and overwhelmed, and jump ship. That's exactly why he's always know he can come back. I get upset of course, but I always let it go, I can't ever fully close a door.

God can. Here's what I see right now. I am part of Gods family. I'm a believer. A follower. Yet, I am weak, struggling, worshiping idols, and not living out my faith, but I still have my faith. Jesus still has my heart. God has to have a calling for my life. There's a reason why He's pulled me out of harm's way. There's a reason why everything has happened in my life. The way I grew up, the things I had to deal with and the things I chose to deal with all fuel the passion I have for working with kids from broken homes. I don't think that who I've been or the habits I've developed will define who I can become. God does. I don't want to be one of those people that go on a missions trip and come back swearing they are going to live life differently, and don't. I don't want to be like the israelites and build an altar and then forget about it. I want to remember what God showed me. I want to thank Him by serving Him daily. I want to get to the point where I ask God what He wants me to do, and then do it. No questions. No hesitations. I don't want to make God small.. He deserves a much better view of my life than in my pocket.

I'm thankful that two people unexpected people who don't believe in God, can completely be used by God, to help me see where I am weak, so He can help make me strong. :-)

Jeremiah 33:3
Call to Me and I will answer you, and will tell you all the great and hidden things you have not known.