Not in Part, but the Whole is all You need

Jesus wiped away our sin. The crimson red stain of messes we had created has been washed away. Gone for ever, not just part of it... All of it. When God acts, His people are supposed to react. We do something in response. How do we respond to something that we can't even fully comprehend?

Ever since I've been back from El Salvador, I've been super frustrated. Angry that we have so much, and so little of us do anything to help those who have so little. Frustrated about the way I live, so selfishly. It's been weighing down on me like a ton of bricks. I feel enslaved to the trends of America. I think we are super blessed, and don't do half as much as we could to respond.

A few things have happened in the last week, that prove God knows every little thought my small mind can ponder. First and foremost; Justins talk last week. It started so simply. I was talking to my friend Logan at starbucks, and we were discussing these exact thoughts. Logan said this: "Jessica, We can't change the world. All we can do is take the gifts God gave us, and try to win over as many hearts for Him as we can. That's our purpose, is to bring people to Him." So I thought, "Ok God. That simplifies it I suppose." We drove to church, and to be honest.. I wasn't as stoked as usual to hear the sermon. It was on social action and caring for the poor and needy. My thoughts: "Ugh, really? I'm already stressed out enough, now I am going to hear more about how little I am doing. Awesome. Maybe if I am lucky Pastor Justin will hand out You Suck cards for an extra reminder on the way out." Here's what he started out with: "We can't change the world. We just can't. We can never fix what we broke in Genesis 3, nor are we expected to." Huh? He went on further to say that Jesus came and talked abot a King who reigned over perfection and will reign again over Perfection all while he helped those in need. We are called to give those in need a glimpse of this while we satisfy their need. Not just telling them about Jesus, but helping them in the midst. We have an opportunity to help people daily. We choose not to. I choose to live for myself.

After all of this, I was just kind of in shock. I hadn't ever really been hit with direct answers to questions I had been mulling over before. A few days later I got a text from Jason Forward telling me about a concert at SW bible. I had nothing better to do.. So I showed up. Low and behold, the lyrics to every song sung hit hard spots on my heart, and broke it. One of the lines I've been humming all week is : You loved me enough, to let me walk away.. You loved me enough, enough to stay. The next part was a new song of his but it went something like: Let's show them love, love as red as your blood. After the concert, I got in my car, and cried awhile. As I was dialing MacKenzies number, I hear a song by JJ Heller that went like this: "All I need to be complete is your love, Your blood that covers me. Goodness and Mercy are following me, You are all I need. You make a home for me, where pastures are green as far as I see you are all I need." The tears were flooding me out of the car at this point.

Back to my first thought about Jesus wiping away ever last spot of filth marked on our souls. We need to respond. I need to respond by giving Him my all. By giving Him my Whole self instead of part of it. I need to be reminding myself daily of what He's done, and what I am called to do because of that. As much as I despise topical preaching, CCV has a good theme going about 1 month to live. We could be stripped of this earth at any point. Maybe we should start living our lives fully, living for the one who created us, and as rob bell says charging into the depths of hell and bringing a piece of heaven with us.

Luke 9:23-27
23Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. 24For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. 25What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self? 26If anyone is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels. 27I tell you the truth, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the kingdom of God."

I don't want to fit you in my pocket...

I've been addicted to JJ Heller lately. She's done quite well at quelling the many voices in my poor little head. One of her songs is titled small. She describes how we tend to put God in a box, and how she doesn't want to supress His glory.

I think that is my main struggle right now. I can't seem to let God out of His box. I tend to make Him small in comparison to the little things I think are so important. In El Salvador, God showed me that attempting to fit Him into a small box, hurts myself more than it hurts Him.

I came across people who have more faith in God in one day than I have had in Him my whole life. I don't feel as though I truely have taken my salvation seriously. I mean, I honestly believe that Jesus was the Son of God, and that He died for my sin, but I haven't lived out my faith. I haven't actively asked God what He wants of me and done it. I feel like I choose daily to ignore Him. The children I met at the orphanage have gone through more than most of us will experiance in a life time. They've been abused, witnessed murder, went days/weeks with out food, were abandoned and yet they choose to be joyful. God has pulled me out of so many of my own messes. Things that I got myself into. Things I never had the humility to even ask for help with. Yet He didn't give me a choice, He rescued me everytime and would make it impossible for my heart to be destroyed. I've even fought Him in the process of this. Who am I to not give my entire life to Him for that reason alone? Those are my mistakes, my choices. These kids, who didn't have a choice, they are faithful.

Mathias and Chris were right when they called me wishywashy. They were right when they said that I wasn't sure of what I wanted, that I was weak and easy prey. Kudos for calling me out on it. It's true. I'm undefined. I jump into things quickly, get over my head and overwhelmed, and jump ship. That's exactly why he's always know he can come back. I get upset of course, but I always let it go, I can't ever fully close a door.

God can. Here's what I see right now. I am part of Gods family. I'm a believer. A follower. Yet, I am weak, struggling, worshiping idols, and not living out my faith, but I still have my faith. Jesus still has my heart. God has to have a calling for my life. There's a reason why He's pulled me out of harm's way. There's a reason why everything has happened in my life. The way I grew up, the things I had to deal with and the things I chose to deal with all fuel the passion I have for working with kids from broken homes. I don't think that who I've been or the habits I've developed will define who I can become. God does. I don't want to be one of those people that go on a missions trip and come back swearing they are going to live life differently, and don't. I don't want to be like the israelites and build an altar and then forget about it. I want to remember what God showed me. I want to thank Him by serving Him daily. I want to get to the point where I ask God what He wants me to do, and then do it. No questions. No hesitations. I don't want to make God small.. He deserves a much better view of my life than in my pocket.

I'm thankful that two people unexpected people who don't believe in God, can completely be used by God, to help me see where I am weak, so He can help make me strong. :-)

Jeremiah 33:3
Call to Me and I will answer you, and will tell you all the great and hidden things you have not known.

Take My End and Begin Again.

I've been wondering what Eve experianced when she carried her first child.. Thinking about how Adam felt. When you think about all the times people have had to truely rely on God and God alone, this would be #1. All it says is Adam knew Eve, and then she bore Cain. No in between. I mean, was she watching her belly grow, thinking a pig was going to come out? What about when she was going into labor? This all happened after the fall, and of course we know that Adam and Eve still had communication with God but to what extent? The reasoning behind these questions probably has a lot to do with the fact that there are like 12 pregnant women at church, most of whom are having their babies. I've been extremely... Jealous.

The idea of the Americanized suburbian family scares the beedevil out of me. Having four plus kids, and a house that's identical to our neighbors. Wednesday afternoons out by the soccer fields. I feel like I have a very strange perception on life.There should be more to it than raising kids. I don't believe that that is the point of our exhistance, yet, there is this longing deep down in my heart to know the joy of what it feels like to hold a life inside of my own. Sappy, I know, but too terribly true. I also want to travel the world, and keep being completely independent. I want to run away from everything and live a life on the road - semi similar to the guy in into the wild - how he just lives place to place - but I want to live country to country.. Maybe with a husband, or a best friend so you have someone to share it with, but experiancing life outside of our narrow minded americanized idea about society. I've been starting to wonder if it is a good thing our economy is going into the ruin. Maybe God should just re-flood everything. Start over.

I've said it before and I will say it again. We are raising up a generation of unattended to childeren. Parents aren't ready for the task. I've heard three times this week about people getting pregnant that didn't mean or want to. I hate that idea. It angers me. I think so highly of people who pay attention to children near by. Who recognize that they are there.

Anyways, my whole point in this is what is our purpose? How are we supposed to live our lives?

1John 1:-1-4

1That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked at and our hands have touched—this we proclaim concerning the Word of life. 2The life appeared; we have seen it and testify to it, and we proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and has appeared to us. 3We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ. 4We write this to make our[a] joy complete.

A Process of Redemption...

Genesis 1:31 "And God saw everything that He had made, and behold, it was very good...."

This of course was before He created man and woman. Then it broke. Then sin entered the world and things were not so "very good" any more.

A brilliant mix of saddness and happiness is in my heart right now. My family is broken, which is breaking me at the moment. Yet for the time being I am listening to old praxis sermons on Itunes with Coldplay playing lightly in the backround, and that makes me smile. I think God and Coldplay collaborated together to have perfect timing in the release in their new album, because it is for sure helping keep the peace.

My heart is heavy, my health has not been the best lately, I am frustrated with trying to figure out my classes, I have a million things going on at once, and every piece of my family is falling apart. I recently started enjoying my family a lot these last few months. Baby Jillian, Jackson, my momma, nana everyone. Then it breaks, for once it wasn't my fault, but that makes it almost harder to deal with. I'm in the middle, and I'm worried about everyone. It's been all I can do to hold back my tears through out the day. I can't change anything, I can't do anything, I can only pray and wait to see what happens next.

My prayer is for God to redeem my family like He has redeemed my Heart. My hope is that He is going to make my family new; that He is breaking to rebuild. In the sermon I'm listening to, Pastor Justin made a point that I am sincerely desiring for my family.. God's mission is not to reject everything that has been soiled by sin but to redeem it. I trust God no matter what, for his will is far better off the desires of my own understanding.. He sees all, knows all; therefore, He knows what's best.

Revelation 21:4-6

4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."
5And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." Also he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." 6And he said to me,"It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment.

Eyes wide shut.

I recently discovered, thanks to Pastor Justin's blog, StuffChristiansLike.com. It's fanfreakingtastic. Not only is this website hilarious, but it's also surprisingly serious. Today he wrote a scenario on how his 3 yr old daughter thinks that if she can't see you that you can't see her. Then he related it to God, and how we can tend to think that if God is out of sight out of mind for us, that it's the same for Him. Yet, the reality is that God sees us 24/7. He knows every little bit about us and what we do, and even when we don't have Him in mind. I think as christians struggling to live in a selfish & perverse world, that it is easy for us to take on that mindset of out of sight out of mind. It takes a portion of the guilt away, of course we always come back to that saying that God never leaves us.

Can you imagine what it must be like for God? Helloooo?? "Hi, um I don't know if you remember, but I'm God, you know, I created you and stuff.. Hiii, Hello? Oh, yes crying. You would remember now." His creation has been playing this game since the beginning. Eve in the garden; I can't imagine her being conscious of the fact that God was watching what she was choosing over Him. Moses, after God telling Him a countless # of times that He was with him, let fear blind his vision.
I've been thinking alot today about altars. Remember when God would command His people to build altars where He had helped them, so that they would remember the greatness of their God? I think that is at least a help to our little big problem here. Whether it be sticky notes or writing on the hand or anything, make something to remind yourself of something great God's done in your life. Put it somewhere you will see it, and when you do. Praise Him. Remember that He has always pulled us out of our troubled times and will continue to do so.

13 For you created my inmost being;you knit me together in my mother's womb. 14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, 16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. 17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! 18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. Psalm 139:13-18

Grace In, Grace Out

Community.
Life in Mexico is simple, not perfect by any means, but simple. There are no excuses for missed quiet times, or not spending quality time with loved ones. They understand that their creator was relational and He made his creation to be just as. 12 of us went down to Mexico, not knowing much more than each others names and vaguely recalling faces. Half way down to the border, we were already experiancing a loving caring sense of family. After working together, watching each other, sharing with each other, living with each other, breaking bread with each other, we came home a family. Pastor Justin has been speaking on Church. Not the building, the appointment, the service. I'm at lux right now, typing away, and slightly watching what's going on around me. Jeff - the owner, creates community here. He remembers everyones name, and always introduces you to people sitting around you. He embraces, encourages, and creates community. It's awesome. I was intimidated when I first began coming here, but then I began to see the beauty of it. You learn quickly in this coffee shop to smile at most who walk in and out, and always be ready to laugh at Jeff's witty comments. Sorry, that was random, but relevant. It's important to know people. It's important to give, serve, and love because that's what it truely means to live. I've had more encouragement, more accountability, love felt recently than ever. I'm making efforts to break out of my boxes, and be an active part of community. I wasn't really sure what I had seen God do, that had really truely touched me in any way that would have changed my heart forever when i got back. When I woke up the morning after we got back and realized I wouldn't get to see Livia, our host familia, or even Alex, Matt, Joel, Chelsea, Carli, Costa, Nate, Karen, Immanuel, Logan Rick, or Brandon... I almost cried. I couldn't wait all day Wednesday to see them. Church isn't something that is understood, in the words of Justin, it's lived out, experianced in an active, sacrificial, and changing kinda way. We are church. We actively and sacrificially care for each other in such a way that it changes our hearts and helps us grow in our relationship with Christ. That's love. That's Church. We're on our way back.

Fragrant and Bright

Once and For All..
It was once and for all, Sin has lost it's claim, our souls have lost their blame, we've been lifted up from the fall.
Once and for all, our fate has been undone, what was lost has now been won, we've been lifted up from the fall, once and for all. Once and for all.
Oh the beauty of this song. The meaning, the love, the passion behind this song. I love it. It brings me to tears almost every time Garth plays it at church. I've been thinking a lot about the definition of love and what that means to me and how that applies to my life, an appropriate definition I belive is one by Pastor Justin: Love is active, it's sacrificial, and it brings about change. Change is something I have not been inclined to deal with lately. I used to love change. I enjoyed the newness of things, the unfamiliarity of unknown places or people. Now, I depise the very thought of unknown territory. Change is occurring in people around me, new opportunities for myself, doors are opening and closing faster than I can comprehend. I seem to have incapability of letting go of things lately. I feel the need to try and please everyone. Yesterday as I was driving, a thought occured to me.. I am so busy trying to make everyone in my life happy with me, that I have completely been ignoring the very thing I was created for. We were created to interact, to have relationship with our very own creator.

In psalm 66 David said this : 17-20 " I cried to Him with my mouth and high praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished iniquity in my heart the lord would not have listened. But truely God has listened; he has attended to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, because He has not rejected my prayer, or removed his steadfast love from me!"

This is a great example of the kind of relationship David had with the Lord. David talked to God, God listened. Most importantly, God talked to David, and David listened. David loved and praised God, because he knew Him. He awaited God's reply; he watched for the answers to the prayers he made and accepted them when they weren't what he wanted. It was intimate and deep, and not superficial or shallow. Kaelie told us about her uncle attending a Catholic church (he's christian) for the pure reason that they reserve church as a Holy place still. You walk in and are in the presence of God. I don't believe that God's presence is limited to certain sanctified buildings by any means but I certainly believe that the presence of God is not to be dismissed. It is something that carries a beauty unknown to us, a fragrance we should soak up more often. The idea though of walking into church, your room, or even a coffee shop, and knowing that you are walking into the presence of God to spend quality time in praise, prayer, and awaiting his reply is stimulating. Active, sacrificial, and causes a change. What if we actively pursue God? If we sacrifice time and attention to spend with Him? I believe it cause us to trust and rely on a God we know and knows us intimately. I often think of Adam's relationship with God. I wish I could have a taste of those strolls through the garden with the one who gave breath to my very lungs.

Here we are again Love, Here we go again.

By your side, I can’t pretend anymore, everything starts where it ends. Change starts with me. More specifically it starts with my heart, and a desire to really truly be molded. Do I honestly want to change? Do I have enough in me to with stand hardship and temptation? Do I have the endurance, strength, and discipline? I do not know. What I do know, or should I say who I do know, is a God who will compensate for what I lack in. Where I am weak, He is strong. If my heart is not in the right place, if I don’t desire to pursue a holy life, then it is only an empty attempt in which the results will be deeply shallow; surface results, temporary solutions. The effects of that will be more hardship, more pain, and more anxiety.

Romans 6:1-2 What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so that grace may increase? May it never be! How shall we who died to sin still live in it?

Galations 5: 1 It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.

We are so undeserving of God’s grace, but that is the beauty of it. The fact that I am so undeserving of His sacrifice, and that He literally despises my actions and the continuation of them, yet still has love enough to redeem me and make me whole again, should cause me to worship. It should cause me to truly worship. True worship is more than a song, more than a statement, or a single action. Worship is shown through how we live our lives; it’s a lifestyle. Being caused to worship means we were stirred to change. It means something has woken within our hearts and we desire to live a life in love and obedience out of respect and gratefulness for our creator & redeemer. This is where we will find the results that last, inside of a love that lasts. 1 John 1:7 but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another , and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.

In a book Max Lucado once wrote he said this, " They have not seen Him, they do not know Him, but they know His child, so they know His heart." That is my desire. For people to know God’s heart, through me, not in a prideful perfect kind of way, but an honest pursuit of who God made us to be; a reflection of Christ.

Do you feel what i feel?

Our heart is slowing down

No one will love what you love to defend

It all will start where it ends