The Weight of Sin

I wish we could remember the days when sin had not infected our hearts. I wish our generation could have a taste or glimpse of what was. We do get a "will be", but how long til we get there?

I've been telling lies. Not big ones, purposefully hurtful ones, or planned ones, but ones to try and make myself look better. The start out just like the little rumor weed on Veggie Tales, small and innocent, but then the grow big and hurt people. This has been happening my whole life. It started as lies about my family, my dad, my brothers; they were meant to make it look like I had a great "all-together" wonderful family. Then people would get to know me well enough to see the real thing, and they would forgive me or run away. Since I've grown older, you would have think I would have learned that people always discover the truth. The Bible always tells us: The truth will always win out. Instead, more recently, my lies have turned to a new way to make me feel better. I use them to justify my emotional feelings or issues with others. I twist peoples words or thoughts when retelling things, and make it seem like I was innocent, the victim. This not only hurts me, but it hurts others way more. In the long run, it will rip apart your integrity, steal away your joy, put scary thoughts in your head, and hurt other people when they find out you lied.
I pray that anyone who reads this, will keep me in their prayers. There is a lot going on in my life, and instead of dealing it out with Jesus I use these lies to hide behind. As it turns out, they are a very scary place to rest. I hope over the next few weeks, I can start teaching myself not to tell lies. Even little ones. I pray that with God's help, through journaling, prayer, and reading my Bible, that He can help me make the first step, which is exposing any lies that come up. Being open and honest, and not telling any more lies. This will not be fun, or easy, the community Jesus calls for us to have in the Bible, isn't what we strive for today. People are harsh, including myself.

Birthdays and such...

I don't see the big deal anymore. I tried to.. Sedona is the usually birthday adventure, then a blueberry double cream pie, wine, and a Fred Astaire movie. Usually my florist at some point in the week, and the beloved day off of work where I do nothing but read and enjoy the cold. There is something so unsettling this year, about everything. Sedona was tiresome, JD was patient but slightly annoyed with the whole weekend, Marie Calendars sold out of my pie, and I fell asleep before we started the movie JD chose.

I had promised myself by the time I was 22 I would be out of Arizona. Minnesota was always the goal, but I wanted to be somewhere with weather, small businesses, and book clubs. I've become complacent. I love my church too much to leave. I love living in Tempe, and my job is pretty much the best thing I could have never asked for. My boss needs me, and I am comfortable there. Jd doesn't seem to want to move any time soon, and I'm not ready to put us on hold for a weather and climate change. My complacency isn't just affecting my goals; it's also affecting my money, my time, and my attitude.
My future is so undecided. Most of the people who I graduated high school with, are already getting their degrees. I'm no where near any of it, and I'm getting completely burned out. I don't write like I used to, I've lost my passion for missions, and I don't read near as much as I would like.
The funny thing is, I could easily have enough money saved, and find a new everything anywhere in less than 3 months. But I won't. Not until I can somehow get myself out of this place where comfort, stability, and fear don't rule my everyday decisions.