I don't want to fit you in my pocket...

I've been addicted to JJ Heller lately. She's done quite well at quelling the many voices in my poor little head. One of her songs is titled small. She describes how we tend to put God in a box, and how she doesn't want to supress His glory.

I think that is my main struggle right now. I can't seem to let God out of His box. I tend to make Him small in comparison to the little things I think are so important. In El Salvador, God showed me that attempting to fit Him into a small box, hurts myself more than it hurts Him.

I came across people who have more faith in God in one day than I have had in Him my whole life. I don't feel as though I truely have taken my salvation seriously. I mean, I honestly believe that Jesus was the Son of God, and that He died for my sin, but I haven't lived out my faith. I haven't actively asked God what He wants of me and done it. I feel like I choose daily to ignore Him. The children I met at the orphanage have gone through more than most of us will experiance in a life time. They've been abused, witnessed murder, went days/weeks with out food, were abandoned and yet they choose to be joyful. God has pulled me out of so many of my own messes. Things that I got myself into. Things I never had the humility to even ask for help with. Yet He didn't give me a choice, He rescued me everytime and would make it impossible for my heart to be destroyed. I've even fought Him in the process of this. Who am I to not give my entire life to Him for that reason alone? Those are my mistakes, my choices. These kids, who didn't have a choice, they are faithful.

Mathias and Chris were right when they called me wishywashy. They were right when they said that I wasn't sure of what I wanted, that I was weak and easy prey. Kudos for calling me out on it. It's true. I'm undefined. I jump into things quickly, get over my head and overwhelmed, and jump ship. That's exactly why he's always know he can come back. I get upset of course, but I always let it go, I can't ever fully close a door.

God can. Here's what I see right now. I am part of Gods family. I'm a believer. A follower. Yet, I am weak, struggling, worshiping idols, and not living out my faith, but I still have my faith. Jesus still has my heart. God has to have a calling for my life. There's a reason why He's pulled me out of harm's way. There's a reason why everything has happened in my life. The way I grew up, the things I had to deal with and the things I chose to deal with all fuel the passion I have for working with kids from broken homes. I don't think that who I've been or the habits I've developed will define who I can become. God does. I don't want to be one of those people that go on a missions trip and come back swearing they are going to live life differently, and don't. I don't want to be like the israelites and build an altar and then forget about it. I want to remember what God showed me. I want to thank Him by serving Him daily. I want to get to the point where I ask God what He wants me to do, and then do it. No questions. No hesitations. I don't want to make God small.. He deserves a much better view of my life than in my pocket.

I'm thankful that two people unexpected people who don't believe in God, can completely be used by God, to help me see where I am weak, so He can help make me strong. :-)

Jeremiah 33:3
Call to Me and I will answer you, and will tell you all the great and hidden things you have not known.